A Sunday morning after a long week of bottled/postponed emotions and nothing going to plan and even simple tasks seem overwhelming. Even this morning getting washed and dressed and ready in time was a struggle. (A failed one, I was late).
I sit here with family and friends listening to people talk and it comes to me. "Just, No."
No to sitting here and having to be social when being around people is the last thing I want.
No to the BBQ later of the girl who has invited me over for the first time during the eighteen months I've tried unsuccessfully to make myself available for friendship just because I now feel obligated; privileged to have been asked.
No to beating myself up about the cake I ate yesterday and the workout I missed in the week.
No to tiring myself out driving to see a friend who has also had a rough week this evening - although I desperately want to - I must accept it's not within my personal resources today.
No to holding in the 'I feel...' chat with my boyfriend because I'm waiting to ask for what I need at a time that's not stressful for him.
No to worrying about not feeling beach 'ready' for holiday next week.
No to checking the work group chat on the weekend because they might 'need' me.
No to thinking 'What could I have done' for the old school friend that died a couple of weeks ago and the 'Why didn't I find the information sooner' because I missed the funeral.
No to having to know right this minute what is wrong and not being able to allow/accept an emotion.
So I ask for the keys. Almost make it to the car. Family friend spots me. Cuddles. Appreciated. Questions. Still appreciated but difficult. Here come the tears. More cuddles. Kind Words. Empathy. Much appreciated, but bring more tears. Take care.
I make it into the car. Tears still coming.
Dad comes. Talks. Do I want to talk? No. Am I 'just' emotional? Yes. Awkward but well meaning 'Dad talk' about periods. (Not the issue today). Do I want water? Yes. Water. Thankyou. Windows open, keys there if I want to come back in. Thankyou. Don't want.
My Boyfriend comes. Know what's up? No. There's always something. True. Maybe you're just not ready to say it yet. Maybe, or maybe I'm past ready and now it's too difficult. Cuddles, smiles, tries to make me laugh. I'll leave you to it, see you in a bit. Thankyou.
So I sit and think, why don't I write it out then maybe it will make sense. At the very least it will finally give me something to share to Moodscope. (No to 'not having time' to record my score or contribute).
So I vow to myself I'll keep saying no to whatever won't make me feel better until I feel better.
How long will it last?
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