I'm in charge now.
My brother is too busy: he has a demanding business to run, with never enough staff to run it. My sister is more than a hundred miles away. She's busy too.
Well, yes – I'm busy. But my business is flexible and I'm on hand and so I am now in charge.
In charge of selling my mother's house.
What's different now is that I don't recognise myself. From nowhere an efficient and business-like person has emerged. I am brisk on the phone. I am making appointments in a timely manner. I am unapologetically expecting people to do their jobs.
It's spread to my own business. I am following up enquiries and then chasing payment.
I'm a different person and – being totally honest – I'm not entirely sure I like her. It's certainly not comfortable being her.
I'm used to the charming, diffident and (let's face it) ineffectual person I've always been. But there's no doubt this new Mary is getting things done.
And – of course – there is a worry that this is not really me. This maybe the medication or, even more scary, this is the mania breaking through that medication.
Before, when the mania came, I felt I could do anything! I could achieve anything! I was invincible! And the rest of the world was too slow and too stupid and just plain dull.
So, is it mania again? And – if not – what is it?
Well, part of it is being trusted. If it were not for the medication, neither my brother nor my sister could afford to entrust me with this. Things would go wrong because they always did. I would forget appointments, fail to complete paperwork, and make irresponsible financial decisions. The medication means they can trust me and that means a lot. I don't want to let them down.
Part of it is getting back into Personal Development Training. Taking the time to work on your life, rather than just living in your life makes you reassess things. It makes you realise what is important to you. It means you spend less time on those things which are meaningless and more time doing those things you love, or working on achieving the things you want. (You can call them goals if you like. I won't, because I dislike goals on principle.)
Part of it is reaching 55. Heck – if I can't have authority and maturity now, then when is it ever going to kick in? Haven't I earned the right to tell it how it is? With courtesy and consideration, naturally; but without prevarication.
So, no, I don't think it's the mania. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't think my family and friends should be worried.
But, if you don't mind, I'll carry on being a little worried myself. Until things settle down, at least. Until I've become used to this new person and got to know her.
And hopefully, to like her.
A Moodscope member.
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