My depression is a shapeshifter. One week I am sitting in front of the Doctor saying 'I have great insight into my depression, and I know I'm managing it OK at the moment'. A fortnight later I'm sitting in front of her, crying saying 'I don't want to be here anymore' and I realise I've been sliding back into that hole. Maybe I didn't know depression as well as I thought.
This frightens me. Before Christmas I wrote about falling into a hole that I couldn't find a way to climb out of. That was as bad as it had been in a long time. I thought I'd been managing it since then, my Doctor says I am, I'm managing it to a degree and where would I be if I wasn't doing what I have been... watching my diet, exercising, fresh air, yoga, writing.....?
This time it was so sneaky. The symptoms had shifted. I hadn't even realised that these things were part of my low mood: I was isolating myself, I didn't want to see people and pretend, or bore them. I was dreading going to work each week, teaching, which I love once I'm there. Planning meals, kids activities, weekend logistics were straying beyond my capabilities. And clothes! Clothes have become a problem (don't worry, I'm not about to ditch them completely!), I just don't feel comfortable in anything. Finally, I just feel exhausted, totally wiped out, achey and my bed is the most attractive place on the planet.
I took the Moodscope test cards this week, I was clicking on different symptoms, here was some clarity. So I'm here again, and I realise it hadn't really moved away, just shifted it's grasp to a different part of my life. But I'm getting help and I'm trying and I won't be so naive next time, if I don't feel right, it's probably because I'm not!
How do you know when you're slipping? Are the symptoms always familiar?
A Moodscope member.
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