I can't believe that this time last year Mum was still with us. As Saturday approaches, I try to stay positive, but the pain is tangible... They've both gone now, within just seven months of each other; my consolation is that Mum and Dad are reunited again and that makes my loss almost bearable, almost!
It isn't true what they say; it doesn't get easier, it just becomes different and the 'New Different' is where we have to learn to live again. There's days when I genuinely feel stronger but then it hits me with a force that literally takes my breath away. It makes me gasp and I have to just stop. Problem is you never know when it's coming, apart from obvious dates... and now I'm on the eve of it being exactly a year since I was able to hug the most precious, loving, generous woman I've ever had the privilege to call Mum.
Sometimes it feels like years since I last heard her say my name and yet there's times when I still feel her hand looped through my arm as if it were yesterday. I can feel it because she used to hold tightly at times due to the pain she was in but she insisted that walking 'kept her going'. She used to say "If you don't use it you'll lose it". She was such a strong, dignified woman. Anyway the reason I can feel her grip is because she held so tightly her nails used to dig into my arm. I used to say "Steady on you're hurting." Mum would instantly loosen her grip saying "Oh sorry love, didn't mean to" but as I feel the sensation of her hand still holding my arm I'm thankful her nails dug in a little because that feeling means she's still close!
So Saturday will come and go, we'll mark it appropriately and Sunday will dawn like any other week. I know this is the way it has to be now; so I'll just learn to see the good in this new different. As you always said Mum "Chin up Chuck, the sun's always shining above the clouds." Sometimes I feel as if the sun will never shine again but my heart is reminded of your words that it's there somewhere even if 'covered in cloud' at times.
So I'll continue to move forward and enjoy life by your example remembering "A day without a smile is a day wasted" and "Enjoy every minute of every day because life is precious." Well Mum this world was certainly a precious place when you were in it and strangely it lost its sparkle when you left, but I will find a way out of the dark and look to the future with the same spirit and joy of life that you showed.
If you're learning to live with your 'New Different' trust me when I say there'll be days that you will be able to remember them without such pain. There will be times when you can smile through the tears. If all else fails, please be comforted by Mum's philosophy that the sun is always shining even if temporarily covered by clouds!"
A Moodscope member.
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