Can't sleep. Not unusual at all since I got the news about my brother passing. I feel so tired, I think I'm going to be able sleep then I can't. Then the tiredness is like a vicious circle and I feel worse.
I'm not sure how to grieve, if there is a wrong way or a right way? Knowing it is better for him doesn't make it feel better for me.
Some days I can pretend it's not happened. Like on Christmas Day so the kids could have a great time, and even New Year when there was a good reason not to sleep and I felt almost happy and positive and ready to make changes. But resuming work felt meaningless and like wading through mud. All my passion was gone. And I'm missing my humour as I rely on my humour so much, for so many things, including to hide my insecurities.
My Mum taught me to always find humour in everything, I miss her so much, the Mum she was. She is blissfully unaware, as she has forgotten already, but she kept asking for my brother when I stayed with her on Boxing Day. I felt so angry at the world at that point. I guess it's down to Time. And right now I'm staring at the clock on the wall, Time is driving me nuts.
No need to reply. I just needed a very safe place to voice this without feeling like I'm burdening anyone. I feel indulgent talking about it but I know I can trust you. Hopefully now I can sleep. I know I will feel better again.
Possibly even in the morning.
A Moodscope member.
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