Trying to sleep, I can't. Trying to wake up, I can't do this either. I actually never wanted to wake up, but I still did.
How do I waste my time? Well, mostly trying to figure out why my parents don't want me to seek help. Although I'm sure they know I need it.
"God help your future husband." they said.
"You have everything, but you are always sad and ungrateful." they said.
"You are always by yourself in the dark not talking or even going out with anyone." they said.
"You sleep a lot." they said.
So, while I'm waiting for a miracle to happen and since I'm spending most of my time alone, I listen to music to find my solace. I know many people seek slow, classical, calm music for more peace, but I am just so dead inside that I need to feel something, and I mean, anything.
My choice is Rock Music which is weird, but it makes me feel that there are people out there who somehow feel as bitter and angry as me; which makes me happy for a while. They scream. They sing whatever they want. They can write something utterly stupid but it was actually pretty deep or misunderstood when people heard it. Many unique ideas, unique music notes, energy and rush of feelings. I really feel singers passion whenever I hear rock music - it is the kind of passion that is mixed with agony and so much anger that totally describes how I feel and I'm actually not alone.
This is not about rock music in particular. But if you can't find anyone to help you, you maybe can find another way to feel better even if it's just for a while. I haven't found any other way to help myself so far, so I guess I will be stuck with rock music for quite some time...
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