It's a while since I wrote. That's good - it means I've been ok! I've been living my life much as it should be - no unexpected 'Wonderlands' or unwanted 'Mirrors...'
So far I have recently had six and a half days of real contentment.
I have organised my time - targets for everyday - and rewards for achievement. It has been the best time I have had for a long time. Then I had a hiccup. I got maudlin. Ah huh - what a lovely word but what a sad sentiment. MAUDLIN.
MAUD - I imagine her in a garden. Full of glorious English country garden flowers - names long forgotten - but I can see them still, in my minds eye. Full of fragile colour, sun beating down on them, defying the heat to show their colour and form. Serried ranks of flower soldiers doing their duty in our borders. How did she feel, our Maud? Had she lost a lover or husband in a long past war, or was she a modern day miss with friends she was missing from Uni days. I feel that she was sorrowful though... sad.
LIN - a bird? a butterfly? I don't know. A sense of something ephemeral, not quite captured, fluttering above us. Happiness hovering. Warm air on the breeze. A moment in time. Life as we want it - as opposed to life as dealt it.
Maud would like me to wander 'lonely as a cloud' but Lin seeks to touch my heart and gentles me to come to terms with what brought me here.
So what did bring me here? I put my heart out there - as we all have done and committed it well and truly! And found some really good friends but not the love I was looking for. Isn't that that the way!? This time my down was unexpected - my unattainable love and I called it a day under totally affably circumstances. I feel adrift. I know it's for the best and I was a party to that decision. So I am seeking to soar high on the thermal winds above the land and above my pain.
Question - how can I make six and a half days up more? Does it matter if it is just seven days or nine days? I think just a day makes a difference. And then if I can make it one more day - why not two?
I think I need to just keep remembering what got me through those six and a half days and what will keep me going is larger than I am:
A regular routine
A sense of achievement Companionship Purpose
Give me those and I think I can keep going. Take them away and I would be lost. What is it that helps you stay on the straight and narrow or lifts you out of the mire?
Alice (in Wonderland)
A Moodscope Member
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