Saturday, 20 August 2016

I will not let my condition define me.

Four years ago I was hospitalised with severe depression. Several months and appointments later I was diagnosed with Moderate to severe recurrent depressive disorder.

Numerous appointments, no improvement at best, and at worse, relapses later, seeing yet a different psychiatrist, the diagnosis has been recently changed to – Less likely recurrent depressive disorder, more likely, Unstable emotions personality disorder.

This new diagnosis has thrown me off course a little, and led me to a discussion with my GP last week about how I am struggling to deal with the new diagnosis.

The GP asked me why this would make a difference, why I would want to be labelled.

The truth is, I don't. I don't want to be labelled, I don't want to be stereotyped, but I DO want to know what I am facing, and I want to be able to tell other people what my condition is.

I think this is because I don't feel that it is who I am, it is something that I have. By not having a clear diagnosis it feels much harder to separate my condition from my personality, something that is essential when it comes to the less likeable traits of a condition.

It is more empowering to be able to say "I self harm because of my condition", rather than "I self harm because I don't like myself". They may sound like subtle differences, but when you are grabbing on to every tactic to keep hold of your sanity, it can make a huge difference.

I don't want to be pigeon holed, I want to be treated as an individual, but I also want to be assured that I am not the only one out there feeling this way, and the only way to do this is to put this nasty little creature of a condition in a box, clearly marked. I may have to carry it around with me, it may be heavier at times than others, but this way, it WILL NOT define me!

A Moodscope member.

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