I'm on a diet. I need to lose weight. My weight has been a problem to me over the years. But I don't ever see myself as a fat girl, I only see me as I was. Always skinny as a youngster. Sometimes it's the clothes that nip and crease or just won't do up, sometimes it's the photos that tell me - god, you're fat! And it's always a shock! How did that happen? Someone snuck in during the night and pumped me full of fat!!! Or did I eat from a plate that said EAT ME and drink from a bottle that said DRINK ME!
I wish I hadn't! Why did I? Was I seeking comfort? Eating from boredom or just because it was there? I know tonight I ate far too much. I put together a wonderful selection of chilli foods - chilli beef and beans, re-fried beans, nachos, cheese, sour cream, guacamole... and then I had to eat it! Just me. Wasn't trying to impress anyone but me. I knew how it should be done and I did it. Knew I was on a diet. But I ate it. I am furious with myself. Tomorrow I will have to work twice as hard at the gym.
I could give up, but I won't! It's important to me, to my self esteem. I want to look as good as I can and so I will go the extra mile. I will get my weight back under control.
Why? This might be very shallow, but when people tell me I look good - I feel good. When my clothes hang right (no extra bumps and curves) I feel people looking at me and not appraising me badly but WELL! It makes me feel better about myself.
Is it shallow of people to judge me this way (yes of course it is and I know this is only peripheral - but at least they look!) or is it more shallow of me to be affected by it? Probably! However I bet most of us have body issues? I never knew anyone who was totally happy with what they were given, or trained and acquired. Look around - not many perfect tens (or male equivalents)! However with a plan and sticking to the plan perhaps we could all be perfect tens!!
So what is my message - apart from avoid the chilli and all the trimmings! It is really about taking control of what is important to you. Only you/me can do this for ourselves! And it's about self respect. Set your values and stick with them. If body image is an issue/value for you, as it is for me, then it has to be worth working at and sacrificing for.
I let myself down today but I am not going to beat myself up about it anymore. Tomorrow I shall diet again and exercise some more and take control back into my hands and out of the hands of that little demon who was serving my dinner tonight. She's sacked!
I have faced up to my foolish excesses, forgiven myself, but each and every day is a new opportunity for a new start. Tomorrow can be a wonderful new today.
What will you do with your new day today or tomorrow?
A Moodscope Member
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