Myself and my daughter are at a funeral.
A school friend died
The same age as my little girl
We sit, huddled and cuddled together
On a wooden pew
Mourning the death of a little princess.
My daughter asks me how and why
I have no answers.
I have hugs and tears and words of comfort
But the truth is -
What is the truth?
The truth is -
There is no place for empty words here
This is not a time to say 'she is in a better place'
This was an innocent child
Taken too soon.
Where is she, mum? Where has she gone?
I envy those around me with faith
A faith that allows them talk of god
Talk of heaven, talk of angels.
I wish I had their words, their beads, their beliefs.
I do find comfort in the religious rituals,
I do enjoy the theatricality of the ceremonies
But that's as far as I go.
I hold my daughter tight
I say I love her
I say life is precious
Sad and difficult -
especially for those who grieve for their children -
My daughter says she's sad
I say sadness is part of life.
My daughter says she's angry
I say anger is okay.
It's the first time I've said that to my children
The first time I have acknowledged anger is okay
I have always equated anger with rage and cruelty.
But now, on this sad of saddest of days,
I say we need our anger
We need to embrace it and use it
In a positive way
To push our little fragile selves through life
To live each day as best we can.
It's okay to be sad and angry I say to my little girl
It means we're alive and kicking.
She bites her lip
What about laughing, mum?
Is it okay to laugh, even though my friend is dead?
Yes, it's okay to laugh
It's vital to laugh
That's why we're here
But, right now, we stand. Because today, we are here to mourn.
Salt Water Mum
A Moodscope member.
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