Friday, 11 December 2015

Where am I now?

Like my namesake "Alice in Wonderland", I suddenly find myself in a strange place. I feel disconcerted. I am not sure what to do or alternatively what I am waiting for. There is a definite feel of waiting for destiny to land. This is not comfortable.

I have sat and waited a while, and the coast seems clear. I can put my head up above the parapet again and hope it will not be shot off. But would that be bad? Of course it would. I shake myself up. Where am I? Does it matter? Yes it does, I need to know where I am.

And of course I am where I was a minute ago, it's just that I drifted off for a while and lost 'consciousness' and so lost myself. I have worked hard to find my consciousness, to be in touch with my inner self and life beyond or in myself. I can't lose myself now.

It's a hard battle to fight against the voice - telling me how rubbish I am - and reality... which is what? Stop listening! It is a hard walk and a very hard journey. One I so need to make and so often feel that I am doing well on. Till the silliest things bring me down. And that's where I am.

Audit: Body, ok (little bowel dysfunction)
           Head, light or missing
           Emotions, through the roof

Once I get back in touch with myself I have a chance of regaining control. Breath in, breath out, keep breathing. Keep moving. Don't listen to that inner voice. Listen to life!

Soooo very hard. I will return to normality. It is a passing depressant, so hard, why does she visit me? I chose this journey and I would recommend it to anyone...

I wrote this a while back, when I was clearly very anxious, and it have just found it. And I don't understand it, that I could say "I chose this journey and would recommend it to anyone". I have no idea what I meant... it seems a very strange comment. I can only think that I was thinking about my journey out of depression, not choosing depression itself. Because the learning from coming out of depression has reframed my whole life. But what if... depression itself became something to glory, not in being depressed, but in learning from the depression. What if, really positive here, the depression has made me a better person? I don't think that is really so crazy. What do you think?

Alice
A Moodscope Member

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https://www.moodscope.com/blog/where-am-i-now