(from a still existing glimmer of a happy me).
I've been noticing the signs. Then this morning you had a little crash. Shed a few tears. I've been trying my best to hold you up and keep you smiling. Right now we both know that this might just be a bump in the road. It might come to nothing. On the other hand I'm aware of my limitations. I know that no matter how hard I try I may not be able to stop you falling further. So, just in case you do, promise me you'll read this when you're down there. When I'm too far away to help.
Remember in the Spring, when you emerged from your last low? How you looked back on all your thoughts and ideas through clear eyes and saw how distorted they were when clouded by depression? Yet while you were having those thoughts you were almost righteous in your certainty that they were all categorical fact.
You were sure that if you tried to articulate those "facts" to anyone, they wouldn't understand. They are conditioned to think that there is always hope, that things will change, not realising that this really is the end of the road for you. They just wont see it. Or, they'll simply tell you that you're better than you really are because they're scared and they don't know what else to say. You generally know it would be a really bad idea to share what's in your head. So you keep quite. You plan your exit.
That's probably where you are right now, isn't it?
So here I am to tell you something real. This is you speaking to you. Try to believe me when I say that the way you are seeing your life and the world right now may not be as balanced as it could be. You might not see it now, but there is always another way to view these things. Remember that moment in the Spring when you walked down the stone steps in Nice and you thought, "I was so wrong! My life is wonderful! So is the world!".
Life isn't always wonderful. We both know that. But remember that it always changes. I want you to reach out and talk to someone you trust. Please be brave and share what you are thinking right now to see if they can shed any light on it, or help you in some way. It only needs to be one special person.
In the meantime just hang on in there. Do small, kind things for yourself. Eat. Wash. Write. Walk. Light candles. Drink tea instead of wine.
No matter how bad things look right now, you need to believe that this will change. I don't know how long I'll be away for but please wait for me. I'll be coming back for you. I promise.
A Moodscope member.
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