Wednesday, 23 December 2015
Hello. I just thought I'd mention that I think you're doing OK. And that is good enough!
This time of year is in a league of its own. The good parts of life feel lit by fairy-light glow and we might beam. This year my children didn't bicker about whose turn it was to go first opening the advent calendar. They didn't even bicker about being the one to fill the drawers (and cram runaway sweets into the mouth pocket in the process). It is going OK! Good enough for me! But the bad parts of life can feel enlarged by a magnifying glass because we have to suffer these parts whilst feeling that the rest of the world is living inside a sentimental advert.
Christmas has brought me some crises over the years both serious and funny. It has become easier for me as my years with depression have grown. I've grown inside. In a Christmas past, I held the hand of my gravely ill daughter, making deals in my heart, and praying for her hand to stay warm. Another Christmas I held the soft and floppy hand of an old beauty knowing it would not.
Key to tip-toeing through the days of this season and all that it brings us, is to find some element of beauty in every challenge. For me, the horror of hosting is balanced out by the poignant sight of three little wooden, painted ornaments that my daughter sprinkled glitter onto the first day she made it out of the hospital bed. The craft room will never know the ongoing importance of that ten minute visit. Ten years have passed but those ornaments are as precious to me as having her well. They hold a silent nod that strikes fear within me to remember that time, but also tell me that, wherever I am in my personal journey, it is good enough. Being better than that doesn't matter. Neither does perfection. Neither do gifts. Neither does being right, being wrong, being late or being the bearer of an empty gravy jug. It's good enough that I nearly ordered a turkey in time...
Know that you are doing and being all that you can in this moment. Free yourself from guilt and from wishing. Just be. Night will follow day, day will follow night, Christmas and its good and bad parts will pass. You will remain. Hold onto yourself, applaud who you are, your facets are unique and you are good enough. I wish you a Merry Moodmas.
The room above the garage.
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