So today has been difficult.
Difficult for all sorts of reasons. From nowhere a cold precipitating a streaming nose, sinus headache and the feeling that my brain has been sucked out and replaced by porridge. The discovery that there is yet more administration to do as the executor of my late uncle's estate. Oh, and that I've made a pretty big error as a Trustee on something else and have to put that right. Then, my latest and most respected beta-reader has suggested that I re-write the first four chapters of my novel (at least she didn't suggest I re-write the whole thing). Three people I care about haven't answered my emails. (They're trying to drop the friendship. I just know they are.)
And then my youngest didn't like the delicious supper I'd cooked and wouldn't eat it and I had to give it to the cats (they loved it!)
I mean, it's nothing major. I'm not coping with serious illness, with poverty, crippling debt, broken relationships; it's just normal life.
But – it's the end of March, going into April and – oops – having a little dip here. So it feels as if the lovely golden world of spring (hey - just allow me a little poetic leeway here, will you?) has crystallised in the cold March wind and has suddenly turned solid around me so that I can barely move, much less make progress to anywhere or towards anything.
It's temporary; I know it's temporary. And just at the moment I don't believe it's temporary because that's one of the things that depression does – yeah, it really screws with your brain.
Right now it feels as if I've wading through treacle for the last twenty years. Even though, when I look at my Moodscope graph I see I was fine only three days ago.
So these times are when we need that solid evidence around us to let us know that things have been good before, that they will be good again. We don't need generalities, we need specifics: "Remember that day we took your dog to the beach? That was a good day." "Remember your sister's party? That was a good time." "Remember the day you spent just painting? You had fun that day."
So my challenge to myself is to make more notes on my Moodscope graph. Not just explanations for the low scores (today's will be long. Serves me right for not doing it first thing), but notes on the good times too.
April might be grim. It normally is. But May is just round the corner, and sun will get warm enough to melt this treacle again. I'll see you (stickily) on the other side.
A Moodscope member.