Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Sad memories can have a silver lining.

My all girls high school is having a 40 year reunion later this year which is a shock to me as it can't be that long since I left school! One woman is organising a reunion and has a facebook page, so there a many photos posted and fun memories discussed.

To put it mildly, high school, especially my senior years, were not happy ones for me. All I remember is being either so sad I couldn't get out of bed, so tired I couldn't be bothered to wash my hair, or so high that I was rude to everyone and didn't bother going to school at all. When I was depressed my dad would drive me to school and wait and hope I would get out of the car but most of the time after waiting for an hour he would drive me home. I recall a few times when I spent lunch time in the bathroom as the library was closed and I felt I had no friends and no one to sit with.

I was discussing my memories with another former student telling her I felt I was a loner and drifter. I never felt I fitted in at all as I wasn't clever enough for the bright group and wasn't different enough for the quirky group. I definitely was not liked enough for the popular group.

She had different memories and said I was a close friend with her and another girl and she had fond memories of times we spent together at school and on holidays.

It made me think. Do I only recall the bad times and filter out any good times? Have I forgotten to look for the silver lining? I don't see myself as a victim rather as a survivor who has lived over 40 years with a diagnosis of bipolar. Maybe I have overlooked the good parts in my past and in my schooldays in particular.

So instead of thinking of the cringe worthy moments, the awful times from school I am thinking about the friends I made, the special moments I shared and that despite my chaotic moods I managed to graduate from high school to university!

The silver lining may be hard to remember at first but it is there and maybe like me you need another person to help you find it. This doesn't mean we forget the pain we have been through but after 40 years I think it is time for me to see the positives of that time and see how far I have journeyed since then.

Leah
A Moodscope member.