The end of the year is fast approaching and, amidst the chaos of the festivities, I have sought time to reflect on what this year has meant to me. It started like many other's, with resolutions made and filled with hope and motivation for achieving them. Yet just four days in, the tone was set for a very different outcome. There has been little joy in my life for much of this year, but this dark spell has made me face up to some very difficult issues and triggered some soul searching decisions to be made. Decisions that I didn't think I had the strength or the courage to make.
Fear has been a frequent visitor in my life this year. I have been afraid of so much. Scared to trust my judgement, afraid that my instinct can't be relied upon, fearful of not being able to cope financially and emotionally and terrified of making a mistake. Having this fear in my life hasn't felt good but it has taught me so much. I have discovered just how powerful and paralysing fear can be, how it can can completely stop you in your tracks. I have learnt that fear can be suffocating, extracting all positivity and hope away from you. I have discovered that fear is a consequence of being anxious about the future. That past events feed the fear that is felt in the here and now, about something that hasn't even happened.
I am still fearful about decisions I have made. New fears are arising all the time. Yet, when I look back at the fear I felt at the beginning of the year, much of it was unfounded. Some of the worries and anxieties I had haven't materialised. Just being able to see this is helping me accept the new fears that are arising. To face them rather than be afraid of them. I'm learning to put fear into perspective, to see it for what is it and to trust that just the other side of that fear is still a life to be led. I am also realising that, if viewed in the right way, fear doesn't have to be the enemy, it can be the ally. Fear shows up for a reason and can be a helpful tool for growth and enlightenment, if it's used in the right way.
So my new focus is, not on setting a yearly goal, but just to live more for the moment, to live in the present and take one day at a time. If fear comes knocking at my door I will strive to welcome it, because this year has taught me that it is nothing to be frightened of.
A Moodscope member.