Tuesday, 16 December 2014

I am nervous. I am frightened. I am sure.

I am going to tell you, my Moodscope comrades, something fewer than 10 people in this world know. On 31st December 2014 at 11am I am to be wed. This marks a commitment to another soul of which I believed I was incapable.

My relationship history is a source of shame. I have started and abruptly finished a number of relationships, leaving people hurt and somewhat bewildered. My sudden change from apparently loving girlfriend to mad doubting anxious fiend inexplicable to those I have run from.

There is no trauma in my past to explain this, I was brought up by parents who love each other dearly. Yet time and time again when I took the risk of committing, something happened within me. I began to obsessively pick faults with my partner, consumed with the idea they were trying to control me, that I would lose myself and I had to GET OUT. The voices telling me to do this got too loud and were ultimately intolerable. I never let myself express any of this as I thought it was wrong and not how someone should feel. So I put my game face on, behaved the way I thought I should, then ran screaming when it all got too much.

I hurt people who trusted me, who had opened up to me and allowed themselves to be vulnerable, because I couldn't open my mouth and speak. I built a wall between us because I couldn't return their honesty, I censored myself and my feelings therefore didn't give us a chance. I was selfish and thoughtless. I withheld out of some extremely misguided belief that to speak would break the spell and risk destroying everything. I eliminated risk, instead guaranteeing destruction.

This pattern has repeated throughout my current relationship. I have hurt the woman I will marry on a number of occasions, and she has stood by me throughout. She has forgiven me for things I am unsure I would be capable of forgiving. Time and time again she has told me I have to speak up, share my thoughts and feelings, that she truly wants to know. At times this has been a gut-wrenching struggle.

As someone who finds it difficult to say 'could you please do the dishes before you leave in the morning', sharing any doubts or fears is like stepping into the abyss. Only now I am learning to believe that she will be there to catch me. I am learning to speak and to trust – it is terrifying. It is liberating beyond measure.

On 31st December at 11am I am to be wed. I am nervous. I am frightened. I am sure.

Amy
A Moodscope member.