Saturday, 29 November 2014

Learning to Live With Life!

My son is studying the book "About A Boy" at school. My son is Aspergers a form of autism and even though we have watched the film over and over as he finds visual learning works better for him than reading, he still has not grasped the fact that Marcus one of the main characters in this story is also autistic, and that both are having very similar experiences in their lives.

As a mum, I am finding this story quite difficult to handle, because you see I'm Fiona, Marcus's mum. I'm the depressed women from this story, it's like looking at my own life reflected on the big screen for everyone to see.

Not suicidal like Fiona in the film/book thank goodness, but at the bottom of that black pit of despair, desperately trying to crawl out of the hole, only to be pushed straight back down again, on a regular basis.

I'm glad that my son doesn't see me in Fiona as he has enough to cope with, and I have pondered over the school's motives in making him study this book. I did ask the question and was told it was part of the curriculum, and that the other option was "Of Mice and Men" both equally way over the top of my son's comprehension.

So I've decided to use it as a positive, in that my son can see the bullying that Marcus endures, and my son can then talk to me about how he felt when he was bullied, through Marcus. He can learn empathy for his mum, something my son is only just starting to show.

Can you imagine 14 years of your child's life with no hugs or kisses from them, it breaks my heart, but I'm starting to turn this around, and have to say have had more hugs since starting with this story. He can also see how brave Marcus was to sing in public and that he was able to make friends, as I'm sure my son will do one day. (Another aspect that breaks my heart). So from something I first considered insensitive, it now does seem to be having a positive side to it.

But now it has become very obvious to me how lost I am, and that it has been so long now, that I don't remember actually when I did feel like me, or felt real happiness. So the facts are, that not only do I feel I lost my son at the time of diagnosis, but also myself. Life has become a constant battle for his needs, and I have totally forgotten about myself.

Recently I was forced to make a stand as it has got to the point where my mental health is seriously starting to suffer. So I decided to quit my job, take some time out to try and reassess my life. To look at who can and is willing to support me with the massive responsibilities that I have held and juggled for the last 14 years. To come to terms with the fact that I am not super woman and that it's okay for me to admit that to the world, but more importantly myself.

That I now need to focus more on getting myself well, starting with plenty of rest. So please excuse me I'm off for a nap.

Helen
A Moodscope member.