Thursday, 7 August 2014

Feeling sad.

I started monitoring my mood with moodscope a couple of years ago, mainly to keep my husband motivated to keep monitoring his. He'd been struggling with depression and selfworth for a long time - trying to keep on the positive side after we had our first and later second baby was proving very hard for him, so I wanted to be supportive.

At first I thought it was quite fun flipping the cards every day, getting points and seeing my tendencies and seeing the monthly wave of optimism vs pessimism and back again. But then I started feeling worse, life was hard, stress was building up at work, family life wasn't all great and some of my relationships weren't making me feel good.

About then I stopped using Moodscope. Well, I didn't feel it was helping me any more. I was disappointed because I was expecting it to be clear - good mood or bad mood. Instead it was just a few points up or down around 50% no matter how my feelings were.

I realized my answers had become habitual. I was so trained in not complaining, not allowing myself to feel weak that no matter what my mood was, my answers were always "Yes, I'm Determined! No, Not Scared! Yes, Strong! No, Not Worried!"

So, part of me was balancing on the edge but my Moodscope was saying I was a good 45% so I decided to quit. Mostly I was fine. I was happy, busy, occupied, I thought this is ok, staying aware of my moods, minding myself but then suddenly, my husband left me and depression hit me hard.

I stopped reading the Moodscope emails. Stopped reminding myself to take care. Stopped existing beyond the daily musts.

As a mother I felt supported by needing to keep it together for my kids. It doesn't work for everyone, and some depressions are too deep to be helped by family, but for me, now, making breakfast every day and keeping them fed, dressed and warm and making them happy is the only reason I get up in the mornings. The only reason I get to work and pretend to be a human being is for them.

Slowly I started doing Moodscope again. First score, 13%, but I continued and I'm now making it a habit and trying to be honest about my feelings. At first it was scary, but now I feel relaxed telling the truth.

I'm sad but I'm not dead. And I've started eating too when I feed the kids. And sleeping when they sleep, and before long maybe I'll start feeling worthwhile about planning for the future again.

Not sure what life will bring me. Everything is new now. And this is a day when 23% would be good, but I'm hopng the day will come when I start feeling bored with "always circling round 50%" like it's a bad thing feeling fine. That would be nice.

Ulrika
A Moodscope member.