Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Seeking advice on moving forwards.

For about a year now, as part of my recovery, I've been encouraged to think about my future, to set goals and think about my values. I'm really struggling with this and I wonder if I'm alone?

I understand the logic and psychological reasoning behind having a purpose, moving forward with integrity towards things that make your life richer and worth living. But if I'm honest, I have a mental block when it comes to this and I could do with some advice.

I have this quote in my bedroom which says "Sometimes on the way to the dream you get lost and find a better one." I look at it every day to encourage me that things are going to be better, that what I have been through has had some meaning and is going to, some day, come good.

Maybe thats part of the problem? Maybe I don't believe it is possible to live your dream, then lose it and find a better one. I think perhaps I have become accustomed to loss, to life hurting, to losing parts of my dignity and confidence, that I just can't quite believe I will get there (wherever "there' is).

A friend once said to me, after finding me at rock bottom, that in a way I was lucky to lose everything and start again, that lots of people would love to hit the reset button given the chance. But after you press reset, you have to build a life worth living and having risked it all once, I'm scared to try again.  I'm scared to dream, annoyed that I don't allow myself to dream, and a little bit sad for myself and the life I had in the past. I don't know which things from the past I need for my new future and which things to leave behind. A lot of why I had the life I had before was due to how I had learned to cope, some bad ways, and some good. It's like trying to unravel spaghetti.

I don't mean to be ungrateful about having the chance to press the reset button or finding another dream, but I sure am struggling. My therapist asked me if the magic fairy came during the night and I could wake up in the morning and things were as I would want them to be, how would my life be? And I want to tell him I'm scared that the magic fairy won't know how bad it will feel if I have all those things and lose them again. And I want to ask the magic fairy to unravel the spaghetti for me and help me to know what to use from my old life, from the me I have always known.

So I go on reading about recovery and goals and values but perhaps it's about daring to hope? It's quite scary and I would welcome any advice.

Jules
A Moodscope member.