I class my self as a social extrovert; I like to chat to people and am good at being able to strike up a conversation with a stranger if the need should arise. When I am feeling happy, I like to spread a bit of it about the place and the best way to do this is with a smile. So on some days I go out of my way to smile, smile at the guy who cuts me up and drives away without a thank you. I smile at my daughter who for the tenth time that day is sat on her phone and ignoring my repeat requests to do her homework. I go for a walk and smile at the elderly lady tending her flowers and even stop for a chat.
But today was quite different. I am sat firmly in my bed writing this blog. Knowing that I need to walk the dog before going for my hospital appointment but not relishing the thought! My smile has gone, replaced with a side ways grimace that actually hurts. My right eye does not close and so I cover myself up with a scarf and glasses and hope that no one will want to speak to me as I will have to explain that I am suffering from Bells Palsy.
But with every crisis comes a moment of clarity and suddenly I can understand what it is like to want to hide your self away. I have suddenly gone from being an social extrovert to being painfully withdrawn and really hoping that no one will want to engage with me. And so this is what it is like to suffer depression. This is what my sister feels like most day's, and now I understand why it was difficult for her socialise even in a small group of people.
I feel low and know that this will soon pass but whilst I feel like this I want to do something with it. I want to say to all Moodscope users, that I understand for some of you how it must feel. I am in awe of the way you all cope and support each other and I am grateful for knowing that there is a community of people out there that are non judgmental. So, as difficult as it is, I will get up and walk my dog and face the world and if a young lady passes by you today and gives you a little sideways grimace, smile back.
A Moodscope member.