Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Don’t Pet The Porcupine.

So, in no particular order: the people I hate.

Those who keep telling me, with saccharine voices that “Family comes first.” Actually, no: my health has to come first because if I don’t look after me then my family is shortly going to have a sectioned mother or no mother at all!
Those puzzled people who say “But you’re always so bright and bubbly and optimistic; surely you don’t get depressed.”
The people who want me to DO things. I hate them even more when I say “yes”.
People who come to the door selling things or asking for charity.
People who phone me.
People who email me.
My friends (even my Moodscope Buddies).
My husband (who is lovely).
My children (who are lovely for quite of lot of the time really).

Just at the moment I feel like a porcupine. I’m not just spiky, I’m offensively spiky. It takes a real effort of will not to snap at people. Even the delightful postman was nearly snarled at today. He was telling me about his recent holiday. Normally I’d be interested, but today my brain was screaming “GO AWAY” and my smile felt like congealed cheese on a cold beef burger.

I hate myself the most, because this is like being possessed by an alien. This growling rage is utterly foreign to the person I am for most of the time. I know it’s all chemical; it’s a part of the bi-polar thing, but it’s really not nice for anyone; not my family, not my friends, definitely not for me.

This is where the discipline comes in. It’s time for my EFT exercises (Tapping) it’s time for meditation. For me, doing this is as effective as drugs, but it takes longer and I hate it. Oh, and I hate my therapist too (wonderful woman that she is).

Deep breath.

Because, really, I love them all. I need to remember this and everyone else needs to remember this too. It will pass. It will get better. In the meantime – just don’t pet the porcupine, OK?

Mary
A Moodscope member.