The words are there and I hear myself speaking them, but I may as well be speaking a foreign language judging by the blank look on his face. He just cannot understand. My words are alien to him. He tries very hard to help but will usually end up by saying “you are fine, don’t worry about it. No-one notices how you are. You seem the same each day to me!”
It’s not just my husband though. Even the CBT therapist couldn’t really understand or if she did, she came up with a reason why my feelings were not right. I know this is her role, to turn my feelings or assumptions around and I accept the benefit of this approach. But I feel that for people who have never experienced how I feel (lucky them), it is almost impossible to really understand; it all sounds so silly to them. Why can’t I just get on with life without all this introspection?
So...here goes, this is how I feel. Let me explain.
Most nights I do not sleep well,(deeply) and wake up knowing, absolutely certain, that the day ahead will not be a good one. I will struggle to be cheerful and will have to make a huge effort with people. I will enjoy doing tasks like sweeping the floor, reading the newspaper, listening to the radio, basically being on my own.
After a good night (Yes I am obsessed by sleep) I wake up and say yippee I am going to have a wonderful day, who can I meet and entertain, what can I write, how exciting, I can do anything and enjoy it all. My self confidence is brimming over.
On those good days, I will be a different person; people will find me amusing and good to be around. Their mood will lighten! I may, and this is where the problem occurs, decide to invite a friend round a couple of days later. But come that day, I will almost certainly not be feeling good (bad night) and will think of cancelling the friend. I usually go ahead with the meeting and they think (I assume) Oh my goodness, Julia isn’t so bright, not at all what we were expecting. Oh dear this is a bit of a miserable time we are having, let’s go home asap. Or thoughts to this effect. I will feel thoroughly dejected and fed up. Why couldn’t I have been on top form? Why today of all days when I am meeting friends, do I have to feel low?
My husband would say that it’s all in my mind, that my friends probably don’t notice any difference in my mood and are there to enjoy themselves and won’t give me another thought.
So is it all in my mind? I wonder. I am still not convinced it is after years of 'being like this' ("What ever that may be", my husband’s refrain. He still doesn’t get it. But I don’t think it’s just him).
I do hope some of you understand what I have written today and may share my feelings.
Having written all this down, it makes me realise just why I never try to explain how I feel to anyone. It would be much easier to say I suffer from depression or anxiety or insomnia but those labels would not describe how I feel!
A Moodscope user.