I remember an unusual meeting a while ago, which began with a five minute discussion about my mood.
Unlike other meetings (I'm sure I was never told about) when my mood had also featured on the agenda, at least I was there for this one.
It happened to be a time when I was feeling on less than sparkling form. After many years of trying to hide my mood when it was low, I'd reached a stage when it seemed sensible to be more open about things.
Actually it was extremely sensible. We were discussing a project which would need my full engagement and energy, and if I wasn't going to be fully on the case, it was better for us all to acknowledge this upfront.
Now if there'd been a piece of mission-critical equipment that was playing up, of course we'd have talked about it.
But the thing is, it did feel a little self-indulgent, a little selfish, to confess to being somewhat on the glum side.
So I had to ask myself how I'd have felt if another team member had promised to deliver, in the full knowledge that they couldn't, due to feeling below par.
I wouldn't have been happy. I'd certainly rather have known upfront.
It probably helps to see things through others' eyes in such situations. And it almost certainly helps to be more open about the way you feel, certainly among people you trust and on whom you depend (and vice versa).
This really strikes a chord with me Jon. It seems though that you had very enlightened employers who were quite prepared to accommodate and work around different personalities.
ReplyDeleteI am going to think about what you have said and maybe come back to this if others don't mind me raising it one day in a blog even though it might not be relevant to the day's post.
This is eally resonant with me also. Therer are times when I'm feeling low and I will often not really tell anyone, make light of it, or try to push through it. Even with people who are close to me and know me well. I'm having a bit of a hard time at the moment, and have had to ask myself why I do the above. Self-protection, not wanting to appear to be a whinger, not wanting to spoil things for others, not wanting to be that depressed person. But this time I just couldn't hide it - had a difficult holiday with my partner - no hiding place in a self-catering apartment; and had a bit of a melt down at work. But now that it's happened I feel ok about it. These people all knew that I struggled at times, it's just that when it's actually happening I usuallly take myself off somewhere and deal with it alone. I feel curiously liberated to have lifted the lid on it a bit. I've even told a small number of trusted colleagues for the reasons Jon says - I want them to know when they might not be able to fully rely on me. I know that if someone I was close to, or whom I worked with was finding life difficult, I would want to know and try to support them.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's worth taking the risk sometimes.
Denisthemenace.
Well done for taking this risk and for it paying off. You must have handled the situation very well. I have always tried to behave as if nothing was wrong at work and just put my head down to paperwork when I had low moods and when I had a good day, I concentrated on the creative side of my (heavy) work load,interacted with everyone and produced a lot of interesting stuff which I hoped made up for my plodding days. However in the end, I guess the effort involved in hiding my depression became too much and I left work, under difficult circumstances. Looking back and from reading these posts, I wonder if I should have come clean and told my boss about my state of mind. I think I probably should have taken the risk; however I was on short term contracts and it wasn't a very friendly place to work in unless you were in control and on top form every day. I may have been in denial also about how bad I was. But I did get all my work done and there was never any complaint about it. I was good at my job but my face didn't fit most of the time.
DeleteHats off to Jon and you plus others who have chosen to be honest with themselves and others. Honesty is the best policy. I like the idea of feeling liberated too!
I really am exceptionally lucky with my employer (my individual boss and the organisation), so it must make things more difficult if they are not understanding. And the temporary nature of your contract must have made this an even bigger risk. I think it's all about taking calculated risks. You have to feel safe disclosing information about yourself, and feel that it will be a benefit rather than the opposite. So there will be times when the risk is worth it and times when non-disclosure = self preservation. The trick is knowing!
DeleteDenisethemenace
I have found that being open and honest is working for me. Rather than both sides wondering what the other is thinking and making assumptions, which can be way off, I have built a strong relationship with my bosses on trust. Also maybe new friendships as we get to know each other better.
ReplyDeleteIt also chimes with me Jon. I always hid my mood from employers, family, friends, but think this stemmed from my childhood. My mother used to deny us our feelings " don't be silly" , "Course you don't" and so on, so that we children all say we didnt bother to express innermost feelings anymore. In retrospect, I do think she herself was in denial about the bad marriage she was in and we were just too much for her to have to take on as well.
ReplyDeleteMy parents couldn't handle innermost thoughts and feelings and then (of course) I was married to a man for 20 years who used to say to me: "It's quite unnecessary to feel like that"!!
DeleteDitto my experience of family life. We all just had to bottle so much up because my parents were so focused on the rubbish that was going on between them. This still affects me now at 55! as I tend to keep "difficult feelings" to myself, as I literally don't know how to share them, even though I have people who love me and want to support me. Some people have a lot to answer for!
DeleteDenisthemenace
If you compare bi-polar with cancer they can both be life-threatening and some people can relate to that.
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