Moods are contagious.
Sharing time with someone who's 'up' can rub off on you, giving you a lift.
Unfortunately however, being around miserable people can mean you end up being dragged down yourself.
Some might suggest that you should steer clear of those who are low, and whilst there may be a small degree of sense in this in terms of those you have no connection with, most of us have little choice over whether we are with our friends and family.
Indeed it would be a pretty uncaring and cold world if you simply cut off anyone who wasn't in a great place.
What to do therefore? Well I think you can sympathise with people without taking on their problems themselves. If you think about this, professionals such as therapists must have to operate like this otherwise they'd be gibbering wrecks at the end of every working day.
On a path where many may be carrying too much weight, you'll not be of much use by offering to take their loads from them. You'd soon collapse yourself.
Better to show sympathy and offer encouragement.
Which, if the original load was on your shoulders rather than theirs, is probably what you'd want too.
Sharing time with someone who is "up" can have it's problems too. It can lead to lifted mood and (if not kept an eye on) the potential for a manic episode. As per usual, the somewhat over used and possibly dull word, "moderation" applies.
ReplyDeleteI think the reverse can happen too, that I feel I'm dragging others down with my low mood, and so I avoid people, which doesn't really help! Not that I have to witter on endlessly about how bleak my life is, but that its hard (very) to put a bright smiling face on when you're drowning inside. I end up feeling disconnected, as i play the part socially and then go home to the reality... Finding the balance is so tricky. I've spent a lifetime putting a brave face on and its backfired really as many people i know think i'm fine! which then means when they do glimpse the reality, they're shocked and i feel as if i've somehow let the side down.
ReplyDeleteAny ideas anyone? or others who feel similarly? At least here i can be honest!
I am exactly the same. i am grateful you have expressed so eloquently how I feel. It's a tremendous relief to read your words. I have put a brave face on it too even to the myriad of counsellors I have seen over the years. Maybe some will say that I can't be that bad if I can put on a brave face but I recall reading once that Drs were more concerned with females who wore immaculate make to their consulting rooms who were there for depression. A sort of brave face. I am sure this applies to men too without the make up bit in most cases. The thing is, if I were to be honest about how I feel every time I meet up with people, they would soon lose patience with me unless they felt the same. When I was in America a few years ago I asked someone once what if I actually told a shop assistant when asked over and over again, how are you today, exactly how I felt and their reply was that the cheery person wouldn't know what to say!
DeleteMoodscope is a very liberating place for me and everyone on it I guess, to express how we feel on a daily basis without feeling ashamed, boring, negative and all those emotions only we can relate to.
Nice to get this Julia thank you. Yes it is especially good to hear of others similar experiences, as so often one can feel alone in it. I know what you mean about How are you today in shops but even more so in America! I also find that when I'm not well(physically), I am often told "well you look fine to me" as if that somehow makes it all better. When actually it leaves me feeling as if I am making a fuss! how often we judge by appearances and how often these are wrong, and I am sure I make this mistake too... perhaps all those seemingly fine people I see on the tube hide many who are not - we cannot be alone in the "brave face" mentality. Food for thought. on which note, I need lunch! V42.
DeleteHello v42, what would you say to a friend who confessed that to you? I would say, please pay love and attention to the "drowning inside", either finding a good therapist or friend who will really listen. It might take some time to feel better. How exhausting it is to put on a brave face always. If your friends care they may be shocked but should rally round to help, otherwise they're not good enough friends, in my opinion. Whose side are you letting down? Just your own life and development. Take care of yourself and go well. Eileen
ReplyDeleteThanks Eileen, I really appreciate your reply. Actually I'm on list for therapy! and in meantime have a wonderful listening sister, but worry i must drag her down... However, as you say, taking care of one's own life is the most important as without that you can't take care of anyone else! (and for me, the problem has probably been that i've cared too much for others in the past, inc as a child, which is probably one of the causes of the "drowning inside"). V42
DeleteHope you get the therapy soon. In the meantime, it's about you, don't worry about dragging people down. Sometimes just saying how rubbish one feels is quite liberating. Time to care about yourself now! Have a good day. E
DeleteAn underlying principle of helping other people is that what for them is a great,possibly intolerable, burden is for you a light load. This is particularly the case if you realise that you are not there to share the distress but to help relieve the load - a key distinction.
ReplyDeleteI am living with someone who is in a very deep depression at the moment and I struggle not to take on that bleakness. It can be very hard to find it in me to offer support and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteI find the only thing that helps is to do things that make me feel better, try to stay active and talk to other people - otherwise we're both going to sink into that black despair. Hence commenting on this blog for the first time!
I also try to maximise the 'good' moments - so when my partner is active and communicating, I try to have a laugh and feel 'normal' for a while.
I was wondering if a support group for partners of spouses diagnosed with depression might be helpful to you? Similar to the groups set up by alcoholics anonymous for partners who live with an alcoholic spouse. It is widely recognised that partners do suffer considerably in these situations and need separate support and understanding from others in the same situation.
DeleteI like the 'sympathy and offer encouragment'....I find for myself I am a generally upbeat and happy person, and can only imagine what sort of person I would be if I were around other people!...brief explanation....no I am not a recluse...but my circumstances at the moment mean I barely see an adult from one week to the next. and its not through a lack of trying. I also understand the part from victoire42. putting on a brave face and end up feeling disconnected. I often put on a brave face. I have lived with it for years. Only recently putting it aside for some. My circumstances are with a lot of stress, and to have hidden that and the reasons for so many years is quite incredible. What it has done is not only sometimes left me feeliing disconnected its that I don't want to be a bother to anyone. If I explain it all then I feel like I am moaning and don't want to put that on anyone. But now I am also discovering that I have been 'conditioned' to understand some behaviours a certain way even when I knew inside they were wrong. This other person has done untold damage and I am unravelling it. I see amazing positives each day and if I don't I look for them. I believe in making something a little bit special each day. no matter how little. But I hide a lot.
ReplyDeleteDo you mean that before life circumstances and the other person brought you to the difficult position you are now in and have been for years, that basically you would be, given the chance, an upbeat and happy person?
DeleteWas your life really good before? I am so sorry someone has changed your happy personality so dramatically.
Yes I was pretty upbeat and happy and am generally still now, but i have got low and down. I have struggled and found some basic things very difficult. I have stress related health conditions now as well as a long term illness. The health drags me down and is difficult to control. and my living arrangements have now been dictated to me by this other person. not what i do now but how i came about to be where i am at this point in my life. I have had to move and am now away from family and friends. I am unable to work. I am trying to make new friends in my area but its quite hard. I have found a coffee morning once a week i can now go to.I have tried all sorts of ways of meeting new people. I have met some other parents and try to make arrangements to meet for coffee but it rarely comes off as they are all busy with their own lives. My family is very supportive, but it is from a distance now. I have been hurt and let down and have lived in shock over it for some months now. I have had councelling, done CBT and EFT. I have anxiety and use EFT to try to combat it. On the whole when I read the moodscope daily words I agree but find I am already seeing things in a similar way. I notice all around me, a bit too much. I think of others, to my own detriment at times. I try really hard with friends and to keep in touch with those I knew from before. I always say that you can't do anything about what someone else does, but you can do something about how you react to it or deal with it. On top of this I am now moving for the 5th time in 2 1/2 years (hopefully this is a more permanent move), I have a solicitors appointment again this week to try to work things out with someone who is difficult and also does not have a comprehension of what is going on. and now I have an important appointment with the hospital this week for tests I hope are going to be ok. I have a lot to give. I care a lot. I am creative. I am def glass half full. but am lonely. I haven't found my niche. and have lost my place. but then i look back over the last few years and I think I was just treading water trying to fix something that needed more than me. I am quite easy to please. Like I said before, if I were around more people and was able to work and have other things so I could give, feel useful and occupy my mind and time, i think it would make a difference. still searching, but day to day is a bit of a struggle
DeleteYou have so many things to cope with it's not surprising you are struggling. Just having one of your problems would be enough for most of us to cope with. I think you should try not to be so hard on yourself or try so hard to make your life work. You seem to be making so much effort to be friendly. Perhaps you should take a breather and get your health and new home sorted out first. You cannot physically do everything at once. We are here to listen and help if we can. I am not a qualified therapist or anything so am not in a position to help you in that sort of way but always check moodscope daily as I am sure others will do. We are interested in you and how you get on so do let us know when you feel up to it. In a way we can be your virtual friends and very real ones at that.
DeleteNo problem is insurmountable. It just takes time to sort one's life out sometimes. One step at a time and you will get there but do tell us how you get on along the way. Please. Good luck with your solicitor appointment.
hi, just wanted to say thanks for the support. i have written twice but it has not been put up :)
DeleteBeing capable of very depressive moods and knwoing what a burden this is for your loved ones (partners, children, friends) I feel the question is nog about having contact or not, but about having contact in te right way.
ReplyDelete1. If someone in depression is laying a burden on his/her environment, and the environments scares off, goes away, the early script patterns is repeated. This will only go worse over and over again.
2. If someone in depression is capable of making Contact over his/her depression, seeing and feeling that is all your own repsonsibility, and is capable of asking for support emotional and practical, leaving his/her environment to say yes or know in freedom, then things can change. The the envrionment (partners, family) van CHOOSE to support someone who is in real need.
It is not strange, awkward, idiot or whatever tho call a friend to say, can you please come over to my place for an hour or so, so I can sit on your lap and cry, cry, cry, that is all. I feel as small as a baby, I am helpless and I neeed someone to hold his arms around me or I'll die, weel thet is the feeling. Oh, and No is OK. I can call someone else because I organisased a lot of support around me.
Above is an example of a person with depressionthat has gone a long way already. Other s are busy on that path, and not always there, help hem getting there, if you can and i you have the love to give.
Sorry if his sounds as nonsense to you. My personal learning with depression is that it never goes away, but that you grow on trying to get something unaware and manupilative from your partner/freindsm to a situation in which you can ask on an adult way for the support you need. (and forget the shame, I need someone to hold me and sing a lullaby for me, that helps me when I am down, someone thet comforts me and that says taht everything will be fine0). I know taht is what I missed when `I was young, so there is the "whole" I have to deal with. Nothing more nothing less.
With love
God, that is everyone, the whole universe be with you
Mars Collignon
I like your bit about the person you are offloading your problems ONto can CHOOSE whether to help or not. Good point. I will think about this and remember it next time I worry I am overburdening another person. He or she can as you say, always go away and choose for whatever reason not to help me. There will usually be someone out there who can help in the way we need; it might take some looking to find that person or group but you will in the end. A good example is Moodscope! It's taken me years and years to find a group that really really helps and more importantly CHOOSES to help.
ReplyDelete