Almost certainly you possess the remarkable capacity to put together explanations when you see something happening (in the street for instance).
A huddle of people are looking up at a tree, so there's probably a cat stuck up there. A man is sitting on a shop doorstep, and he's likely to be homeless and will ask you for money.
Of course we don't always get it right. Our assumptions can prove wrong. The tree observers could be council workers discussing a pruning job. The man in the doorway could be simply tying his shoe.
But there was no doubting the cause of the little scene I passed the other morning on the way to work. Outside the nearby children's nursery, a young Mum was smiling and waving through the window. I saw her first. A few paces on, I spotted her little boy inside, with the unhappiest face in the world.
He clearly didn't want to be left there.
As I walked on, it seemed mean and heartless of the mother to be smiling. Surely she'd be upset to see her son in such distress?
Thinking a bit more though, she was probably doing the right thing. Trying to get her little boy to see it as normal, nothing to get het up about.
And this is probably a good way to think about how you'd like others to be with you if and when your own mood is low. You hope they'll empathise with you. The last thing you'd want is for them to suddenly get as low as you.
It's a fine balance though, worth exploring when the boot's on the other foot and you're around someone else whose mood is low.
The answer is almost certainly to be yourself, and to behave as normally as possible.
I don't think anyone who has never ever been diagnosed with depression can ever feel low in the same way as we do, fortunately for them. If they say they are low or think to themselves how low they feel after being with a depressed person who has offloaded their feelings onto them, I would say that their "low" is the low of someone who is normally happy and will soon pass. I hate feeling like I do and always try not to bring others down. Many of us have blogged about this. Your email raises many issues Jon. I think I would blow kisses to my crying child and not look happy. But that may be wrong. The main thing is to show love to a child.
ReplyDeleteWe learn this behaviour at a young age, it's called doing what's expected of us, or putting a brave face on. we do it with out even thinking about it. I for one have started to question myself sometimes about how I react to others and what is going on around me, I think I am able to detach myself this way and focus more on a chosen outcome, rather than a learned automatic response.
ReplyDeleteYes I see what you mean. Rather than worrying every second about how we are dealing with a situation, we can relax into it more by listening to others, taking in what is happening in the room etc and forgetting ourselves. This way we may forget our learned automatic responses which are often forced, anxious and not natural. I know I have repeated what you said A Annie but by me writing it, it's become clear in my mind!
Delete"Learned automatic response" is what nowadays they call 'being in denial'. I agree that it's more important to love a child than to over-discipline, because when a child becomes an adult, 'conscience' may play too
ReplyDeletebig a part in his/her psyche. Mental conflict can be the cause of Depression ( even because it's just so exhausting ! )