I like to think of myself as being pretty mild-mannered.
I don't fly into a furious rage if someone cuts me up in traffic. I definitely don't throw a hissy fit when someone uses the last of the toilet roll without replacing it. And I only get slightly miffed (honest) when a telemarketer calls at an inappropriate moment (although, frankly, isn't any moment inappropriate when it comes to telemarketers?).
However, lest this should paint me as some paragon of patience, there does actually happen to be one scenario which makes me see red, in a furious, livid and really rather ashamed kind of way.
Maybe it's just me, but I do get disproportionately angry when, after I've been going through a bad time, someone who really ought to know me well asks 'Are you feeling better?'.
I shouldn't blame them of course. They've almost certainly said it innocently. Unfortunately, however, in the mind of the receiver this very innocent little question can translate itself into 'I'm really not sure there was anything terribly wrong with you anyway, but I'm assuming you're now over it'.
I know it's wrong in so many ways to interpret it in this way, but that's the danger of closed questions. They make assumptions. They discourage meaningful answers. And they make me cross.
So if you really want to know how I feel, please do the proper open-ended thing. Ask 'How are you feeling?', then you're more likely to get the truth from me.
It's good for us to connect with others, and the more we do it, the better we're likely to feel. It's crucial to remember, though, that good connection is just as much about quality as it is about quantity.
A good radio interviewer asks open-ended questions, rather than ones which solicit no more than one word answers, so perhaps today's a day to make like a broadcaster?
As for me, am I feeling better? Well I was until you asked me.
Spot on again, jon
ReplyDeletewould be nice if anyone cared enough to ask me how I am
ReplyDeleteHow are you feeling Anonymous?
DeleteAre there many people in your life who know you get depressed and therefore should be asking you how you are?
I don't tend to tell people and struggle on regardless. No I'm not a martyr but guess I have had this problem for so long now, I am probably quite skilled at covering it up and tend to socialise more on my rare good days. However on my low days which can vary from very very low to manageable low, I sometimes have to talk to people and I might , depending on how awful I feel, tell them I am tired or had a bad night. If I am asked subsequently how I am sleeping or "are you sleeping better now?", I tend to answer truthfully but change the subject as soon as I can. This is partly because no-one I know has the same problem as I do and it's difficult to explain, impossible I find, exactly how it affects me. (This is why I find Moodscope such a wonderful amazing discovery. I feel that I am at last on the same wavelength as someone else/others)
Sometimes I feel I am my own worst enemy. If I was truthful about my state of mind to those I socialise with (not that many), I might use less energy in trying to hide it.
Of course, It's so much easier for me now I don't have a full time job working for other people where my "face" had to fit and I had to be someone I really was not.
What I am saying in a very long winded way Anonymous is that perhaps or perhaps not there are reasons why no-one asks you how you are; because you bravely don't burden them with your problems or feel too threatened by the consequences (ie you work) if you do?
Anyway I and I am sure other Moodscopers empathise with you and genuinely want to know how you are feeling. Can you tell us sometime?
Jon, you made me laugh out loud with today's blog!! you make a very valid point - I shall be passing this on!
ReplyDeleteJon, whilst I agree that open-ended questions are better than closed ones, I really think you ought to take more responsibility for your rather peculiar interpretation of this question.
ReplyDeleteIt's entirely within your power to decide that the question is perfectly innocent and comes from a place of genuine curiosity, caring and empathy. Getting upset about a question, especially when you realise you're adding on your own warped interpretation, is just silly!
I'm not tryign to be mean, and lord knows I've had my own black times, but I've learnt from CBT and REBT that we each need to take responsibility for how to interpret and react to external events. To be honest, I'm surprised to see you appearing to advocate otherwise.
I agree; that said, I can appreciate Jon's ability to stay mild-mannered in the no toilet tissue situation. Pet peeves...
DeleteIt is quite funny now you mention it!
ReplyDeleteMy reply about Jon's email today being quite funny (amusing funny) now Anonymous brought it to our attention should have been sent as a reply to Anonymous. My fault.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean Jon, and while of course, we are responsible for our own reactions to things, when one is not feeling good this is harder to do. There is still a lot of misunderstanding about depression and what people perceive it to be and that question can seem very patronising. I am off work due to depression and my difficulties started with a situation at work. Even my closest colleagues are now implying that it is time for me to "get over it" and get back to work.
ReplyDeleteHi Susan
DeleteI was off with depression too from work and got little or no genuine sympathy or understanding from work colleagues even though it was my situation at work which compounded my problems. Work was to blame. I too was encouraged to get back to work as I was advised that would make me feel better. I took the view that if I had Cancer for instance, my colleagues would show me sympathy and would follow my treatment with interest, sensitivity and compassion (hopefully!); however they felt they had the right to comment on my mental illness even though they had little or no expert or personal knowledge of depression and how it affects people. Their attitude made my emotional state worse. They seemed to think they knew more about what would make me feel better then I did! Luckily I had a very good GP who gave me extended sick leave and I saw an occupational doctor who was also sympathetic to my plight particularly as my treatment at work verged on the illegal (but ultimately work won...a long story).
Eventually I left work (I was made redundant while on sick leave..I know..not good) and have never spoken to my work colleagues since, even those I considered really close friends. I hope Susan you are receiving expert professional advice on your work/ health situation. The problem is such advice is expensive. At the end of the day, you must do what you know is right for you. I was tempted at times to go back to work on their advice as I knew my colleagues would rally round to begin with but I also knew that sooner rather than later the rot would set in and the back stabbing would begin again. You have to be strong and stick to what you know is right. Not easy at all when you are depressed. Best wishes
I am very sorry to hear that you dont feel that anybody cares enough to ask how you are, Anonymous. Have you ever considered joining a support group. Have a good think and see if there is anyone close who you feel might be a sympathetic confidant.
ReplyDeleteI have no patience for store staff that don't know approach me but sit around or hide in the shop.
ReplyDeleteThat drives me mental. And the lack of out of order signs on broken public machines.
Anyway... I'm aware and working on it.
The things that set us off can be interesting I think.
Thank goodness for blogs like today's. I'm not an impatient beggar. I just FEEL. And that's just fine. Thank you!
ReplyDelete